The Search For Love: A Way Out For Those Single and Searching

There are two things in this world that are most sought after. Can you guess?

If you said MONEY and LOVE, then your guess is as good as mine. People will always be searching for something, or at least be looking for more of something they already have. This is a basic human tendency, and is somehow responsible for the increasing search for love, attention and popularity.

When it comes to the search for love, ask someone from the single-and-still-searching cadre what they are searching for in a potential partner and the response will almost always include “a loving and caring person”. Other qualities you may hear include romantic, gentle, understanding, sensitive, tall, rich, handsome, honest, dark in complexion, beautiful, respectful, fair in complexion, faithful. Did I miss out any? Of course I did, the list is endless.

Search for love

It is not bad to sought after these qualities in a relationship. In fact, identifying the qualities you desire in a partner is the first step towards a successful relationship. It goes to show that you know what you want.

But the problem has been scarcity of some of these qualities in the very people searching for love. And why is that? It is so because majority of those searching for love have not trained themselves to face it. They are not qualified for what they desire. You need to consciously prepare yourself for your desired relationship, and continue to do so when in it.

There is no love apart from the deeds of love; no potentiality of love other than that which is manifested in loving…  

Jean-Paul Sartre

The very qualities you desire in a partner may be desired of you. In fact it should largely be the case in an ideal relationship. I understand there is no perfection in life, and so ‘ideal’ is hardly attainable, and if it were, the relationship will be without newness. That is why there is such thing as complementary qualities.

Have you truly prepared yourself for a relationship with your dream partner? What do you have to offer, what qualities are you bringing into the relationship? Why should a romantic, honest, sensitive and caring person go into relationship with you?

Read AlsoHow to prepare yourself for the perfect relationship

You may not agree with me on this – the truth is that relationships are about give and take in varying degrees. Make no mistake, even selfless loving does not entail giving and giving and giving without receiving. There is always something the giver receives in return, it could simply be the satisfaction of giving. In any case when that value is gone, the loving will likely come to an end. Selfless or unconditional love is an ideal situation, which again, is hardly obtainable. It entails an expression of perfection.

What commonly obtains is I love you, and you love me too. I care for you, and you care for me too. If am honest to you, I expect you to be honest to me too. This is what relationships are about, some form of objective and mutual trade offs.

One cannot go unprepared to a battle if victory is desired. A man or woman who is truly prepared for relationship is already a victor. By prepared I mean consciously cultivating the right qualities that support relationship growth and stability. It simply means being able to love and being lovable. When you are prepared, people will see you and desire you, and it is those who are most unworthy of you who will desire you more. This is partly because they are the majority in the crowd.

But hey, let me tell you this dear, be not in haste. Wait patiently and you will find the one – the one person you truly deserve. This is where compatibility truly comes to bear – you deserve someone who deserves you.

Make no mistake, compatibility is not about compromises as love could be. Compatibility is somewhat about complementary qualities and a whole lot about mutual qualities. This is where some people get it wrong – someone untidy feels he or she needs an organized partner to match. Such a person better spend time learning to change his or her unhealthy habit.

Someone is as poor as hell and spend time hunting for a rich person for a relationship partner. This person may win a partner, but they most likely will not succeed in their search for love in the long run.

Don’t think because you are a high tempered person you need a low tempered partner for a smooth relationship. This is not exactly a good compatibility judgement. Such relationship is like a time bomb. If you think of it, what does the low tempered person need, a high tempered partner? Invest some time in making conscious effort to get your anger situation under control and better management. That’s a better way to prepare yourself than to seek for a human shield for your uncontrollable anger moments.

What happens when the low tempered person cant take it any more? I think you know the most probable outcome – it’s breakup.

A complementary quality in relationship terms is that which creates synergy, that which serves the mutual benefit of both partners. Think characteristics that are hardly changeable such as height, skin colour and genotype. Also think long standing way of life such as culture and religion. These are true attributes on which to base complementary compatibility judgement.

I know that a lot of things actually goes into choosing a partner. You may like one, two, or three things about a person, and not like some other things about them. This is normal, and hence the need to prioritize your desired qualities. The best match would be someone who meets the top qualities on your mental checklist, and if you are lucky, is also open to learning.

So before you embark on that search for love, ask yourself ” am I prepared for the relationship I desire?” If you are not, it’s never too late to start preparation. Learn to change if you are not able to yet – learn to learn.

When you think you are ready, even if only fairly ready, as long as you are prepared to communicate and to learn, go into a relationship. You will evolve into the partner that your desired partner desires. You will evolve together as the relationship grows, watered with honest communication and love.

Read AlsoHow to improve your relationship through healthy communication

As you search for a relationship partner, don’t be selfish. Be sincere to yourself and decide what you truly deserve. You may be lucky to win the heart of someone with the best qualities you desire, but if you don’t deserve them and are not able to make yourself deserving of them, the relationship may soon be doomed. And by “deserve” I mean compatibility. Think compatibility more in terms of mutual qualities, and truly complementary qualities.

The good news is that you can decide from this point forward to perform self assessment and embark on a journey of self improvement in preparation for the relationship you desire. As a rule, first create in you the qualities you desire in a potential partner:

Instead of doubting, learn to ask.

Instead of fighting, learn to forgive.

Instead of complaining, learn to teach.

Instead of arguing, learn to explain.

Instead of deceiving, learn honesty.

Instead of blaming, learn to accept.

In summary, instead of waiting to be loved, practice loving and caring. The very love you are searching for is scarce because so many people have refused to train themselves to love and be lovable. If you are trained and ready, be certain not to be impatient, for you are a rare gem and should only be found in the right hands.

Loving doesn’t come naturally, it is a decision we have to make. Let’s all learn to love and we will end the seemingly endless search for love.

Can you see your desired partner in you? If not, then you probably don’t deserve them.

Have a beautiful relationship!

Read Also: Understanding yourself: what your temperament says about you

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Relationship Watch

Relationship Watch

Relationship Watch is a mind-child of Emmanuel James, a Nigerian with an innate gift for relationship counselling and therapy. RW collects and conveys relationship ideas, opinions and experiences with the goal of helping people maintain healthy and beautiful relationships. Relationship Watch is anchored on the believe that society can only be as good as the relationships we keep with ourselves and the people around us. You are welcome to share your experiences with us.
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