Talking About Sex with Your Partner – How and What

Sex is undoubtedly an important aspect of romantic relationships, an emotional and spiritual bonding agent. Its importance requires that the topic of sex be openly discussed by couples even more often than they perform the act. Failure to talk about sex can introduce tension, misunderstanding and dissatisfaction in a couple’s sexual life.

Many people dwell in relationships with unexpressed sexual desires, preferences and fantasies. They know what they want from, and even during sex but cannot translate their vocabulary for sex into comfortable conversations with their partners.

Talk about sex

Communicating sex is not always easy for most people, even for partners who have been together for long. But communication is very important to enjoying a good sex life.

By having sex conversations with your partner, your relationship enjoys emotional, psychological, and mental benefits. It also makes you feel free, comfortable and confident about sex in your relationship.

Talking about the kind of sex you have or want to have is a skill, and it is one that you should develop.

This skill is hardly teachable but knowing what to talk about and how to go about the conversation can give you a good head start.


What to talk about sex

When it comes to talking about sex, the commonest thing being discoursed is pleasure. Of course pleasure is important; knowing what you and your partner enjoy during sex can increase the depth of your sexual experience. And this can only be made known through open discussion, preferably after sex. You should know what your partner really enjoys, and equally let them know what you like.

It is important to mention that intimate sex conversations shouldn’t be just about pleasure. Other pertinent topics about sex that you and your partner should discuss about include:

  • sexual health
  • how frequently you would like sex
  • Sexual likes and dislikes
  • how to explore unknowns

Sexual health

It is worth getting past the discomfort to talk about sexual health with your partner. This is because it is an issue that affects both of you. Failure to talk about sexual health can impact negatively on relationships. What to discuss may include sexually transmitted infections (STIs), birth control and hygiene. Carrying out these vital conversations will improve your health and bring about the future you hoped for the relationship.

When making this discussion, it is important to focus on both your needs and the needs of your partner. Be open about what your needs are and don’t fail to keep the communication open.

Talking about how much sex

This part is a delicate one. Some people don’t want to be perceived as too sexual because they want more sex. Others might worry that asking for less sex could imply that their partner is not doing something right. But nonetheless it is an important aspect to discuss.

The talk about sex works best as a two-way conversation. If you want to ask for more sex, let your partner know. Incorporate your concerns about yourself into the discussion while opening doors to welcome your partner’s concerns as well. Through openness, you and your partner would know exactly what you want and come to a balanced resolution.

Better result can be achieved if you appeal to your partner’s interests rather than your own interests. That is what relationship is about, putting the other person’s interest first. When this practice is mutual, it won’t be difficult for both of you to accommodate each other’s sexual needs.

Sexual likes and dislikes

Discussing sexual likes and dislikes is the gate to sexual freedom. Sexual likes and dislikes can run on a spectrum. There are the activities you love, ones you can’t even think about, and all other things in between. You will not be doing your relationship, and indeed yourself, any good if you conceal your desires or fail to express your disapproval.

In fact, if sexual preferences have not been a topic of discussion in your relationship then something is clearly missing. If you trust your partner, and are confident and comfortable being with them, talking about sex wouldn’t be a problem. Sex is undeniably an important part of your relationship, it needs to be discussed.

Exploring unknowns

Sex is a journey, just as your relationship is. In your sexual journey with your partner, there are things you may think about along the way. Or you may simply desire change. Communicating such intimate needs requires a high level of confidence and trust. At the same time, communication builds that confidence and trust. So don’t fail to bring your thoughts to the open. Your partner may be more accommodating than you think.

When you feel a need for change, think about what you would be comfortable with and what things you would be uncomfortable with. Communicating these things with your partner helps keep things open. Remember you can always change your mind. It is important to note that how you do the communicating greatly influences how the change idea is welcomed by your partner.

How to talk about sex

The best way to talk about sex is to talk about it. You have to first make the decision to do so. Once you have made up your mind to discuss sex with your partner, then you need to consider the how.

Talking about sexual pleasure and even fantasies can be more straightforward than talking about topics such as STIs, birth control, or frequency of sex. In any case, you need to choose the right time, place and mood for the discussion.

Read Also: How to improve your relationship through healthy communication

If you desire something new for example, introducing new sexual positions, creative foreplay or changing location may bring about the desired newness. It can be easy to convince a partner to consent to such changes. But asking for more or less sex can be more difficult. It may even introduce vulnerability to the relationship if not handled with care.

Just because you have been having sexual relations with your long-term partner doesn’t mean consent is automatic. In a relationship where there is love and respect, you shouldn’t feel sexually coerced or forced to have sex by your partner. You and your partner should consent to have sex.

The key to success here is to display selfless willingness to accommodate your partner’s needs. Relationship is about making sacrifices, it is about living to make the other person happy. A selfless partner would sometimes consent to sex even when it is not initially desired. A respectful partner would have no problem accepting needful refusal. And there, in between, lies a balance.

Learn to put your partner first, during and after sex. This would make your sex negotiation easier. When a partner recognizes your selflessness, communicating your sexual needs would be much easier.

Talking about sex sincerely helps build a foundation for a better relationship. You get to learn about each other, explore new things, and grow together. If you haven’t been doing so start today to discuss sex with your partner and enjoy a beautiful relationship.

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