There is No Such Thing as True Love (And I Really Mean It)

Let’s play with words a little…

You say true love exist, I say there is no such thing as true love.

Yes, there is no such thing as true love and I really mean what I just said. Before you ask the question precipitating in your mind right now, please let me present my point.

There is no such thing as true love. There is only love; everything else is simply not love. Yes, there is such thing as love. Love exists. You either fall in love or you don’t. It is either you are in love or you are not. Love is complete.

At this point you are probably wondering where I am heading to with this. It’s only a matter of semantics you may say. It is actually more than that.

When love comes into being, it is complete and unquantifiable. To say that there is true love is to suggest an alternative to love which can only not be love. It implies that there is false love, which is truly not love at all. The question “do you truly love me?” interrogates the existence of love. It questions its identity and reality. The question is not the same as “do you love me?”

But why is this clarification important? It is important because of the risks associated with the true love perception to relationships. One such risk is the possibility of what you may call false-love, which again is not love at all.

The answer to the question “do you love me?” is simple – it’s either YES or NO. But to ask “Do you truly love me?” is to beg for a possible declaration of false-love as love, and justifiably too. The question may get the person answering caught between thoughts, wondering what scale to use.

Again consider the question “how much do you love me?” When you ask this question, what do you expect for an answer?  How about the following:

I love you so much I can die for you. Or, I love you so much I can donate my blood to save you but I can’t die for you (at least not yet).

You see that both the question and the answer establish the existence of love. The question tries to examine the extent of ‘growth’ of love and not to question its existence or completeness. The answers provide an indication of this growth.

Now let’s talk about growth. Yes, love grows. It can be made stronger and stronger after it comes to be. Love can be likened to a baby. When a baby is born, its existence and completeness is undeniable. That’s what makes it human like everyone else. What is left is the physical, mental and other forms transformations and learning. That is growth.

The growth of love implies it’s becoming – what it can do now that it couldn’t do before. It is important to note that a growing love is not true love, it is simply just love. A growing love is one that is learning to learn, to accommodate, to forgive, to trust, to communicate and to sacrifice more.

So next time you think… if he loves me he would do this or that, bear in mind that his love may not have grown to that level yet. Love is acceptance, could even be at first sight. But growth is achieved through commitment and steadfastness. It requires time.

You may want to ask “what about feigned love, since it exists, is there no need for differentiation?” I would say yes it exists but in no different way than love. If it looks like love and feels like love then its love.

Considering the baby analogy, a baby may develop outside or inside the womb before it is born. What difference does this make? Certainly both babies are considered equally human. The difference, which applies to every comparison, is in how the babies grow. Each baby’s development is influenced by several factors including parental care, education and environment.

When it comes to love, similar thing applies. Love can come into being by different means but its sustainability is determined by factors in the relationship. There are people who have ‘faked’ love and made it work. And there are those who had made it and it never lasted. Love is about growth, and I mean mutual growth.

So next time when you are tempted to think whether you are truly in love, think instead about how much you and your partner are committed to growing in love. You will get a better idea of where the relationship is headed if you think this way. Remember, there is no such thing as true love, only love with lots of room for growth.

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Relationship Watch

Relationship Watch

Relationship Watch is a mind-child of Emmanuel James, a Nigerian with an innate gift for relationship counselling and therapy. RW collects and conveys relationship ideas, opinions and experiences with the goal of helping people maintain healthy and beautiful relationships. Relationship Watch is anchored on the believe that society can only be as good as the relationships we keep with ourselves and the people around us. You are welcome to share your experiences with us.
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