Don’t Have Sex, Make Love! The Difference Will Convince You
Sex. This is one word that almost always catches everyone’s attention. And the media has made it even more so. The word attracts so much attention from people the world over irrespective of the language it is spoken with.
A little confession, just now I wondered what sex is called in my dialect. I really don’t know but I believe whatever it is, it commands similar attention as the word in English.
Sex is nearly everywhere in the media and clearly we are all interested in it one way or another. But what exactly is the secret to ‘great sex’? And when does sex become ‘lovemaking’? Is there a difference between having sex and making love? If there is, then what is it?
Good questions. I have researched and thought about the topic and here is what I think:
Sex is a simple bio-mechanical act, it is so simple that even animals do it. That is because it is only a physical act triggered by a desire to perform it. Lovemaking on the other hand, entails sex and much more. There has to be present during the act, romantic feelings, intimacy and some level of metaphysical bonding. When two people make love, they glue their mind and soul together into one undivided whole. Essentially,
Lovemaking = Sex + Intimacy + Romance + The Unexplainable, where the unexplainable is that feeling, that part of lovemaking you simply can’t explainable.
Sex is simply a physical act of copulating while lovemaking embraces much more than the act itself. It captures the emotional and sensual elements that makes sex important in a relationship.
A look at the composition of the two expressions also give useful hint on the difference – you ‘make’ something from parts while you ‘have’ something in full. If it isn’t full then you don’t have it yet, only part of it. Hence you ‘make love’ from the combination of sex, romance, intimacy and the unexplainable feelings but you simply ‘have sex’.
Yes, sex is just sex. Whether you consider it good sex or great sex, it is still only an expression of a physical experience measured by the intensity and quantity of stimulation. But lovemaking is much more – a complex expression of love. It is a desire to communicate the love you have for your partner in an inexpressible way. This implies that great sex is truly lovemaking.
So don’t just have sex with your partner, make love instead and you will brew more love and passion in your relationship. And just in case you are used to it, it’s OK to say “…have sex” if the acoustic is more pleasing to your ears but in practice, make love. Lovemaking is what gives meaning to sex in a relationship.
And in fact, most couples actually make love but call it sex, and this is not wrong. But there are some couples who sometimes or even often, have sex instead of making love and believe it to be love making. This misconception may rob the union of the emotionally unifying benefit of lovemaking.
Couples that make love stand to witness less sex related problems such as sexual deprivation, poor communication, emotional unavailability and low sexual desire. To better put my point across, let me explain briefly how each of these problems may arise.
Sexual deprivation or sex delay. This is clear, it means no sex for you when you want it – maybe later. Notice that it didn’t say ‘love deprivation’ or ‘lovemaking deprivation’. Because sex is a selfish thing and a self-satisfying quest, it can only take place when the need for it is mutual, when one partner feels obligated to, or through force.
If you and your partner only or often have sex instead of making love, it is only a matter of time before one person complains of being deprived or delayed sex. And this could happen even when there is an abundance of love.
Sex, you want it now, she doesn’t and vice versa. Such sexual tussles can increase the communication gab between partners. If prolonged, it may even result to fighting or even divorce. All that is because the focus has been on sex not expressing love.
With lovemaking it is different. Your partner will almost always desire that you express your love to them. Anytime you want to, they are always ready to ‘listen’. And if they are necessarily not, they would most definitely feel remorseful and wish they were.
Sex is simply a need to copulate triggered by some biological chemistry. Alone, the feelings it produces and the satisfaction of the act soon fades away. If having sex is what dominates your relationship then emotional setbacks or lack may not be uncommon.
Low sexual desire
When there is emotional lack, there is bound to be decreased desire for sex. Romance and intimacy are what create the sometimes unexplainable feelings and emotions. And remember that these elements constitute lovemaking, not sex. When you make making love a practice, your partner’s desire for sex with you increases.
It is not only important that you make lovemaking a practice but that you also refer to it with the right words. Consider how these two statements sound – “let’s have sex” versus “let’s make love”. If my guess is right, the first statement quickly caught your attention (probably because of media imprints), then you soon realize that the second has a deeper meaning and is more romantic.
Again, which of these two requests do you think will yield better result – “Honey, i would love to make love to you” and “Honey, i would like to have sex with you”?
Certainly, the first statement will get your partner’s affirmation faster than the second. It is in fact tempting as it suggests a sexual adventure. On the other hand, the second statement seems unrefined and suggests a need for self-gratification. Nonetheless, depending on your relationship culture or your partner’s preferences, any of the two may serve well.
Irrespective of how the request is made, provided it is accepted, the ‘action’ should represent lovemaking. But again depending on your relationship culture and preferences, there might be nothing wrong with just having sex sometimes. But I think it’s better if you avoid the self-serving need for sex and welcome the unifying commitment of lovemaking. You will be amazed at how strong your love and relationship grows if you hold on to lovemaking. If you and your partner truly want to improve your sex life, rely on lovemaking.
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